The Dating DON’Ts of Texting
The path to successful dating can seem like it always runs uphill at times. For example, if you’ve hit dating setbacks, especially using text messaging, you know what that’s like! If this sound familiar, you’re in the right place. We surveyed expert dating and attraction advisers and they agree, there are some pretty common mistakes women tend to make with text messaging that can derail a relationship, or even ruin it before it has a chance to develop.
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Behind most of the big misunderstandings about using text messaging in a relationship is this one tip: Men and Women use phones differently. When you stop and think about it, it’s not really a surprise, but this fact is so obvious that women overlook it all the time! Guys think of the phone as a device, seldom as a social tool. This leads to several tips that’ll help you change your approach when texting your man.
Avoid open-ended texts to begin a conversation. Don’t just text “Hi.” or “Hey!” when you can start with an engaging question. An open-ended text is distracting, at best, confusing, at worst. And if you do it all the time, you’ll eventually start getting fewer replies if he sees your texts as a nuisance.
Don’t make your texts sound like you’re checking up on him. Many guys see “Where are you?” texts as a red flag! You’re not desperate, so take a moment to think of a more natural way to encourage him to tell you what he is up to and give him a sense you’re living your own life. If he gets the picture your schedule isn’t always empty that’ll help spark his ambition, his competitive spirit.
Just like “Hey,” and “Where are you?” can bring things to a grinding halt, “LOL” can be a similar text conversation-killer. What is he supposed to say after that? This brings up an important concept. As you’re writing a text, always be mindful of what you want him to do or say next. Then make your text into an opportunity for him to act that way. And if you are stuck for a reply, toss him an honest compliment. You might be surprised how much he appreciates it.
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Most of all, try to give him some hints, some clues about your emotion and try to guide him to take steps to make sure he’s not losing you. Text messaging should be your secret weapon to lead him to keep chasing you. If you give him vague replies like “I guess so,” or “I suppose,” or “probably,” that gives him nothing to latch on to – no emotional cues! If you really don’t have a reply ready, then don’t reply yet! If you send him a reply and it’s useful, if it guides him as you want, that’s fine. But if you just reply with something vague, then you’ve removed any sense of suspense or curiosity and you have probably replaced that anticipation he’s feeling with confusion – no good!
One key to remember: you want him to chase you, because if he isn’t chasing you, then you’ll be the one doing the chasing and it’ll inevitably seem like desperation. It can be a delicate balance, though. If you respond and reply the same way all the time, that’ll not only seem boring, but he’ll eventually notice the pattern. He’ll know what to anticipate from you and little by little, the challenge for him will die off. Men are motivated by the challenge of the chase. You don’t have to make him crazy, acting hard-to-get, but if you seem super-available and super-predictable, that will give him a sense things are too easy – not challenging enough. In effect, you’ll be making it too easy for him damages the sense of achievement you want him to feel when you date.
So what can you text to help move things along? Think about what you want – short-term and long term – from the relationship. Remember that dating advances in stages, so make it easy for him to see what types of activities you appreciate and especially examples of relationships you like. Most guys don’t respond well to pushy conversation and pushy texts are even worse, but guys are also not psychic! You have to give him something to go on or they won’t have a clue what you want.
The best way to guide him via text conversations is to drop hints occasionally by mentioning positive examples of relationships. Remind him of couples you both know who you admire for their commitment, for example. Don’t let this line dominate your texts, but it’s okay to bring up the idea from time to time. And if he shows interest, then follow up. At the same time, you can give him the odd reminder that you have options by letting him know what you did with friends or what you are planning to do next. Motivate him in both these ways, hinting what you want, what you like and reinforcing that you’re not one hundred percent available, all the time.
Guys will respond to these subtle clues that you’re not completely available and that part of the reason you’re busy and didn’t respond was because you were doing things you like – things that he could be involved with – or activities he might want to replace with something else. Keep sprinkling in news and hints of couple with positive relationships or other examples you want him to pick up on and he won’t have to guess what to do, he’ll know what actions to plan in order to make sure you’re more available to him.
Now that you have the first few tips to improve your texting game, what’s next?
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